the 3 paths of clarity coaching
Tags: sexual intimacy, desire discrepancy, break ups, Clarity Coaching, COVID, depression, anger, boundaries
Clarity Coaching is designed for couples who aren’t sure whether they want to stay together.
Its aim is to help ambivalent partners gain clarity and confidence in their decision-making regarding the future of the relationship.
There are only two goals for the process:
For each person to gain clarity and confidence in their decision-making regarding the future of the relationship.
For each person to choose one of 3 paths regarding the relationship.
The 3 Paths in Clarity Coaching are:
To maintain status quo (in other words, to not make any changes at this time)
To separate
To take separation off the table for 6 months, commit to couples counselling, and then re-evaluate
Below are stories of couples who came for Clarity Caching and chose different paths.
The 3 Paths
Path 1. Maintain status quo
In the last 5 years I have provided Clarity Coaching for over 35 couples. Not a single one has chosen Path 1.
Path 2: Separate
Eric and Ha-joon* had been together 10 years and married for 6 when they came to see me for Clarity Coaching. They shared that they had steadily been growing apart over the last 5 years. They hadn’t been physical with each other for at least 4 years. Eric was the leaning out partner. He had been the initiator most of the time and said he could no longer handle Ha-joon’s continual rejection. He had come to realize, he said, that sex was a dealbreaker for him – he couldn’t be in a relationship without it. He also described Ha-joon as having “very high walls” and unwilling to get emotionally vulnerable with him.
Ha-joon said he just wasn’t raised to talk about his feelings. He didn’t see why it was so important to Eric. As for the physical intimacy, Ha-joon said he understood Eric’s desires and had already offered to open up the relationship.
Eric said: “I don’t want sex with random people - I want it with my husband! Can’t we work on this?!”Ha-joon responded: “I just think the sexual period of my life is over. I don’t have a lot of desire anymore. I actually think that’s just the way I am.”In the one-on-one conversations, Eric confided that he was already 80-90% out, since this had been an issue between them for years and nothing had changed. They had tried couples counselling and things had improved a little, but it didn’t last long.
Ha-joon shared that he just wanted to be accepted as he was. He was tired of trying to make Eric happy when it seemed all Eric could do was complain about how Ha-joon wasn’t measuring up.
My job as their Clarity Coach was to help each man really hear what the other was saying. I highlighted to Eric that Ha-joon didn’t want to make any changes. In other words, Ha-joon wanted path 1 (maintain status quo). I reflected that I had already heard Eric say that he couldn’t be in a relationship without sexual or emotional intimacy. In other words, he wanted change, which meant path 3 (couples counselling for 6 months).
Something about someone else saying what Eric had already suspected/feared brought things home to him in a new way. When both men returned to the room for a final conversation, Eric was able to be clear. “I love you, Ha-joon,” he said, “and I’ve loved our life together. And - I now know I need to be with someone who values intimacy and wants to have it with me. I wish it was you, but I see now that it will probably never be you. I need to let you go.”
Both men’s eyes welled up. They hugged and whispered I love you to each other. Then they turned to me and said “Thank you for helping us have this hard conversation.” They left holding hands, knowing it would probably be the last time they would do so.
It’s never easy when a couple decides to break up in my office. If time allows, I take a few minutes to just sit, reflect and silently honour them for showing up and doing such difficult work.
Path 3: Take separation off the table for 6 months, commit to couples counselling, then re-evaluate the relationship.
Katie and Todd* came to see me at a crisis point in their relationship. It was January 2022, a couple of years after the pandemic started. Todd had a temper and Katie had been on the receiving end of it too many times to count. For her part, Katie acknowledged she had poor mental health. She had a demanding, stressful tech job and she’d been dealing with depression for years.
All during COVID they had been trapped together in a tiny 1-bedroom condo, both working from home, with poor communication and even worse boundaries. Now they were on the verge of breaking up. Todd was hopeful they could fix things, but Katie said “I don’t know if Todd will ever change” and was leaning towards leaving.
Of course, it was easier for both Katie and Todd to talk about what the other person had done wrong and what that person needed to change. I emphasized that all they could control was their own actions, and all that each person could do was lay out the ways they were willing to work on themselves.
Thankfully, they were willing to discuss their own contributions. We spent time one-on-one, getting specific about what they had done (or not done). Todd acknowledged that he had lost control of his temper too often, and blamed Katie for things that were not her fault. Katie acknowledged that she had become too focused on her work and had not taken good care of herself, mentally or physically.
Then we talked about what they would need to change. I asked the million-dollar questions: “Do you want to change? And do you have hope that the other person will too?” And finally, “Since real, lasting change takes time, do you have the patience to wait?”
After two sessions, the couple decided on a temporary separation (path 2).
But less than a month later, they were back. Katie had reflected and decided to give Todd a chance to change.
“There’s still too much I love about us,” she said. She shared that she had chosen Path 3 after all, meaning they were now both fully on board with working on the relationship.
The first step in starting Path 3 is signing an Agreement to Pursue Reconciliation. This lays out the commitment to an all-out effort in couples therapy for 6 months. They also each outlined what specific changes they would work on. Katie said she wanted to get herself an individual therapist and work on her mental health. She also said she wanted to be more present and talk about her difficult feelings rather than retreating. Todd said he wanted to work on his reactivity and be more sensitive to Katie. He also committed to getting himself a therapist.
We began talking about how they could manage their emotions better. We discussed what they could do when they started to feel flooded. We talked about healthier ways of communicating. I shared various strategies with them. Just one month later, both Katie and Todd were reporting things were better. Things were looking up.
Then I didn’t hear from them for a couple of months. That’s typical in the summer months – people are busy with vacations, visiting family, enjoying the weather, etc.
But then they cancelled all of their upcoming appointments. I reached out. Todd wrote back to say they would not be continuing therapy.
Unfortunately, I have no idea why and I will probably never know. I wish and hope good things for Katie and Todd. I hope they were able to keep building on the skills they had started to develop. I hope they got better at being present. And I hope they are happier...whether that’s together or separate.
*all names changed to protect confidentiality
