unresolvable conflicts in romantic relationships
A blog graphic with a warm, light brown background featuring the bold black text: "A little curiosity just might save your relationship." The semi-transparent background image shows two happy couples embracing. The Cinnamon Counselling logo is placed at the bottom, reinforcing the message of relationship support.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it just might save your relationship
If you’re like me and my partner, Trump might be interfering in your relationship these days.
My partner believes Trump is getting important things done and getting the economy back on track. I say that doesn’t matter when he is flouting laws, wielding power like a dictator and inflicting more suffering on already marginalized peoples.
We’ve had to limit our conversations on this topic because we each feel strongly about our views and we just know we’re not going to get anywhere. We don’t really understand where the other person is coming from. What to do??
In my clinical and personal opinions, when you love someone, that includes trying to understand them. You may not always succeed, but you need to be always trying. And not just at the beginning of the relationship either, but for always.
The science
Now here’s where I’m gonna break out the research and tell you there’s science to back this up.
Studies show that trying to understand your partner is crucial for the success of a long-term relationship.
This is in part because the vast majority of conflicts that couples have are not resolvable.
Okay, I'm gonna stop here for a second, because
a) that’s a big bomb to drop and
b) how is that related?
Couples therapists and researchers John and Julie Gottman have found that couples have two types of conflicts: ones that are solvable and ones that are not. Guess which type they have more of? The unresolvable ones. In fact, the research shows that 69%, or about two-thirds, of the disagreements couples have are ones that they will always have!
When I first heard this, I was shocked. The majority of the arguments I have with my partner are ones we’ll never be able to resolve? That sounds like hell! I’d better just get myself a bunch of cats now and be done with relationships forever!
But the more I thought about it, the more I actually started to feel a sense of relief. This info made me see that relationships can work, even if my partner and I don’t see eye to eye on everything. That I don’t necessarily have to change my perspective on things that are important to me. And neither do they. That takes a lot of pressure off, if we’re not always trying to change the other person’s mind.
As John Gottman says:
“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive”.
Going back to the two types of conflict, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that the strategies for each one are completely different. I'll talk about the strategies for resolvable conflicts in another post. For today, I want to talk about how to deal with unresolvable conflicts, or what the Gottmans call perpetual, or gridlocked, issues.
Dealing with resolvable conflicts
For dealing with these, there are two necessities. They are…drumroll please…curiosity and adaptation. Yup. That’s it. Were you expecting something more showstopping? I know. These simple answers might be hard to believe.
With an unresolvable conflict, the only goal is to get a deeper understanding of where your partner is coming from and why they feel the way they do. The goal is not to convince them they're wrong, to get them to see it your way or to agree with you. The goal is simply to be able to say, “Ohhhhh. Now I see why X is so important to you.” It’s ok if you’re also saying “It still doesn’t really make sense to me, and I see it quite differently”…if at least you can say “I understand where you’re coming from.” That's it! That’s the best you can hope for in these scenarios.
My tangled heart
I read an article this week, My Tangled Heart, that is an excellent example of this. It’s about another couple struggling with differing political perspectives. The article was written by a young woman from California - she calls herself a “privileged white girl” - who is dating the son of a bankrupted textile factory owner from central India. She writes about how she is a Democrat through and through, while to her horror, he is a Trump supporter. She shares that she had initially wondered whether she should “cancel” him for “obviously” being so wrong, but this began to change as she got to know more about him and his background. Some things she did:
Began reading a news source that presents current events from both sides
Began learning about the history of India and its politics
Moved to Japan, experienced her own culture shock and had to start adapting to another country’s culture and politics
Imagined herself in her boyfriend’s shoes
In other words: her curiosity and desire to understand her boyfriend is helping them navigate this very challenging issue, and she hopes that he applies the same tools. She writes,
“Can I influence my boyfriend to see both sides like I am trying to do, so we come at each other from the same level, attempting to have empathy and compassion? In a mixed relationship, I can’t think of any values more crucial to foster.”
I couldn’t agree more.
There is good news within this!
The great news is, gridlocked issues come with opportunities. That issue you can’t see eye-to-eye on is probably a window into some of you and your partner’s deepest wounds and longings.
For example, one couple I worked with couldn’t agree on whether to get a puppy. But then the female partner explained that growing up, her parents had been very opposed to having a dog because they’d had bad experiences with dogs themselves. She shared that as a kid, she had promised herself that when she grew up, she wouldn’t let her parents’ fears stand in her way any longer and she would get a dog.
When her partner heard this, he understood why she felt so strongly. He still wasn’t comfortable with having a dog at home, but he was able to be kinder and more empathic when she shared her wishes. Because of this, she felt more supported, and less frustrated about him hearing her. They still didn’t get a dog, but they came up with a compromise: She decided to volunteer at the local SPCA. She got to tell him about it every Saturday, and he got to see her excitement and happiness. That spread to other areas of their relationship.
Because of how they handled this unresolvable conflict, they deepened their relationship and even felt a little more love for each other.
If you’re interested to see some examples of Perpetual or Gridlocked Issues, click here.
