what are perpetual issues?
Perpetual issues are either
(1) fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict
Or
(2) fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. Needs are basic to your own identity, to who you are a person.
Examples of Perpetual or Gridlocked Issues
You and your partner may have major differences in:
Neatness and organization: One person is neat and organized, the other is more chaotic and carefree.
Emotional expressiveness: One person is very emotionally expressive, the other is not. One person also values exploring one’s emotions more than the other.
Time together versus time apart and alone: One person wants more time alone than the other. These reflect basic differences in wanting autonomy versus independence.
Optimal sexual frequency: One person wants more sex than the other.
Preferred sexual styles: One person sees emotional intimacy as necessary for having sex, while the other sees sex as a path to emotional intimacy.
Finances: One person is much more financially conservative, while the other wants to spend.
Closeness with family: One person wants more independence from kin and the other wants more closeness.
Household chores: One person wants equal division of labor, while the other does not.
How to raise and discipline children: One person is stricter with the children than the other. One person wants more gentleness and understanding with the children than the other.
Punctuality: One person is habitually late and to the other it is important to be on time.
Preferred activity levels: One person prefers active physical recreation, while the other is prefers to be more sedentary.
Being people oriented: One person is more extroverted than the other.
Preferred influence: One person prefers to be more dominant in decision making than the other.
Ambition and the importance of work: One person is far more ambitious and oriented to career success than the other.
Religion/Spirituality: One person values religion more than the other, or each person has different belief systems.
Drugs and alcohol: One person is far more tolerant of drugs and alcohol than the other.
Independence: One person feels a greater need to be independent than the other.
Adventure: One person feels a greater need to have life be exciting or more adventurous than the other.
Values: There are major differences in what you value in life or see as right vs. wrong.
Fidelity: There are major differences in how loyal you want to be or have been to one another.
In your relationship, you may have already adapted, to some degree, to some very basic differences between the two of you. If you have, which ones are they?
If you have solved any of these issues, or actually feel similarly, note those down. These are strengths of your relationship.
If there are other perpetual issues you have not yet adapted to, consider talking with your partner about how you want to talk about them going forward.
Check out this post I wrote, it could help, along with some source material from the Gottmans.
